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Funny Stuff
Prayers from Dogs
Dear Dogs
Dog Property Laws
How dogs and men are the same
How dogs are better than men
How dogs are better than women
Life lessons learned from a dog

Poetry
Spirit of a German Shepherd

PRAYERS from DOGS

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God,
When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit but not ONE is named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so
hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I'd like you to help me remember so I can be a good dog:
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell!
The sofa is not a face towel; neither is Mom And Dad's laps.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes those noises I will remember it's not a good thing.
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DEAR DOGS

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine attendance has never been necessary.

Now, In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need thousands of pounds for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results!
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DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
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HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears of vacuum cleaners.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crutches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
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HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they have done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they are jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. Dogs understand what "No" means.
10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
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HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. A dog does not shop.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
3. A dog never expects flowers on valentines day.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget it's birthday.
7. A dog never expects you to phone.
8. A dog limits it's time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
10. A dog's parents will never visit.
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LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
1. If you stare at something long enough, eventually you will get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by peeing on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is the most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility. (As soon as you're dragged shamefully from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
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SPIRIT OF A GERMAN SHEPHERD

The Spirit of a German Shepherd Dog

I was standing on a hillside
In a field of blowing wheat
And the spirit of a German Shepherd Dog
Was lying at my feet.

She looked at me with kind dark eyes
An ancient wisdom shining through
And in the essence of her being
I saw love there too.

Her mind did lock upon my heart
As I stood there on that day
And she told me of this story
About a place so far away.

I stood upon that hillside
In a field of blowing wheat
And in a twinkling of a second
Her spirit left my feet.

Her tale did put my heart at ease
My fears did fade away
About what lay ahead of me
On another distant day.

I live among God's creatures now
In the heavens of your mind
So do not grieve for me, my friend
As I am with my kind.

My collar is a rainbow's hue
My leash a shooting star
My boundaries are the Milky Way
Where I sparkle from afar.

There are no pens or kennels here
For I am not confined
But free to roam God's heavens
Among my Shepherd kind.

I nap the day on a snowy cloud
Gentle breezes rocking me
And dream the dreams of earthlings
And how it used to be.

The trees are full of liver treats
And tennis balls abound
And Milkbones line the walkways
Just waiting to be found.

There even is a ring set up
The grass all lush and green
And everyone who gaits around
Becomes the Best of Breed.

For we're all winners in this place
We have no faults, you see
And God passes out those ribbons
To each one, even me.

I drink from waters laced with gold
My world a beauty to behold
And wise old dogs do form my pride
To amble at my very side.

At night I sleep in an angel's arms
Her wings protecting me
And moonbeams dance about us
As stardust falls on thee.

So when your life on earth is spent
And you stand at Heaven's gate
Have no fear of loneliness
For here, you know I wait.

-Author Unknown
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